You've got me feeling emotion

Most adults have experienced a hangover or two in their day. Headache, stomache, general malaise, maybe some time logged over the porcelain throne, retching. But most drinkers are prepared for this. With your head over the toilet, you think to yourself:

“Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker. -- Why didn’t I heed those wise words?! Why didn’t I drink my ten gin and tonics before I drank those fifteen beers!?! Then I certainly wouldn’t be feeling this terrible!”

There are as many ‘cures’ for hangovers as there are hangover sufferers. As in Sex Ed, only abstinence works a 100% of the time, but in situations where abstinence isn’t possible, my personal recommendation is some late night Vitamin G -- that’s grease, of course; pizza works best, but anything fried will do -- plenty of water, some serious sleep, and a backlog of DVR’d reality TV to see you through the following afternoon.

However, my cure, like so many others, has a major shortcoming. It only addresses the physical hangover. Sure, a few slices of pizza and a gallon of water might keep a raging headache at bay, but they’ll do nothing to address the feelings of shame and regret that assault your psyche the morning after a bender. What most people consider hangover cures only address a physical hangover, while grossly overlooking the far more insidious emotional hangover.

What’s an emotional hangover? Definition time:

E·mo·tion·al hang·o·ver / ih-moh-shuh-nl hang-oh-ver / n. the disagreeable emotional effects following heavy consumption of alcohol; characterized by intense feelings of shame and embarrassment over behaviors both remembered and blacked out; emotional responses are often disproportionate to the behavior that incited them, but the sufferer is unable to think rationally while in the hangover’s throes

Basically, during an emotional hangover my subconscious plays the role of that scary hag the Ancient Booer from Princess Bride, pointing at me and shouting: 

“And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.”

It’s scary how fittingly this dialogue describes me in the depths of an emotional hangover, when a stray -ito product bag (Fritos, Doritos, Tostitos, even Cheetos) might adhere itself to my downtrodden, be-sweatpanted person after an afternoon of watching old school Laguna Beach reruns.

Emotional hangovers are devastating. They’re the emotional equivalent of showing up to a friend’s party in a Canadian Tuxedo, only to realize that her Black Tie invitation wasn’t ironic. And also, that no one else at the party is fifteen drinks deep and acting like a monster.

The important thing to remember when confronted with an emotional hangover is that most other people at whatever function you attended were probably a little bit drunk too. So maybe you made a few foolish decisions, it happens to everyone. It’s likely that no one was paying you much attention anyway. The sad truth is there is no cure for an emotional hangover. However, you can assuage it if you remind yourself to relax and get out of your own head.

Some people are impervious to emotional hangovers. My friend Liz claims never to have had one, and I don’t doubt it. She’s not wracked with crippling self-doubt, with a ridiculous, creeping sense of doom that every other person at whatever boozy shindig she attended spent their entire evening watching her and judging her, thinking to themselves: Drunkest girl at the party!

For those of us that do suffer emotional hangovers, I’ve attempted to come up with my own little rhyming couplets warning. Here’s what I have so far:

Recall your drinks more or less? No need to stress. Can’t remember night’s end? FIND ALL NEW FRIENDS!

It’s about as useful as the ditty I mentioned at the start.