When you care enough to send the honest truth

With the new year approaching, I’ve been thinking about the goals I have, both short and long term. One long-term goal, or maybe more like one dream, I have would be to own a stationary store, or more likely, live within walking distance of the stationary store that my friend Julie should (and will, I hope) one day open.

There are a ton of great cards out there, funny, clever, heartfelt and inspiring cards perfect for weddings, birthdays, graduations, and other ‘special’ occasions. However, I am finding in my young adult life that there are a number of occasions that warrant recognition but that aren't recognized by Hallmark and friends.

Sure, when your friend gets engaged you're excited and you can send her a nice engagement card to express that. What about when your friend struggling to get on the dating scene takes the plunge starts online dating? You’re happy for her too! Isn't that a special occasion in its own way?

When a friend loses a loved one, you feel terrible, and there's a card to express that. How about when a friend gets dumped by a guy who left her broken hearted and with an as yet unidentified rash? Is there a card that appropriately conveys sympathy for that situation?

People slam Valentine's Day for being a Hallmark holiday. Well I take issue with Hallmark sentiments. In the card store you can find a card that falls under the heading: “After all we’ve shared, ‘I love you isn’t enough.’ My love, my friend, you’re everything I need. I’ll dream of you until we’re together again.”(True story, I once saw a card categorized as such in the store.) So specific, so sentimental, so cheesy. But you can’ find a card under the heading: "I'm sorry that your latest date subjected you to lame dinner conversation and a $70 bill when he realized he didn't have enough cash on him to cover the tab and is apparently the only 20-something male in the city without a credit card." (Also a true story) It's unfair to those of us suffering disappointments and achieving dreams that don't fall under the Hallmark umbrella.

So I'd like to develop my own line of stationary, inspired by my dissatisfaction with standard card sentiment options and my feeling that, more often than not, when you’re in your mid-to-late 20’s, not being pregnant is as deserving of celebration as being pregnant.

The Law of Plastic Surgery Averages

Legend has it that Sir Isaac Newton was prompted to elucidate the laws of gravity after watching an apple fall from a tree. Like this great scientist and philosopher, I had a similar scientific epiphany sparked by an everyday occurrence, or, an everyday occurrence in my life at least. While watching reality TV (the Real Housewives of Atlanta to be exact), I was struck by the existence of a phenomenon I will hereto refer to as: The Law of Plastic Surgery Averages.

I was puzzled to hear Real Housewife Kim Zolciack refer to herself as 33-years-old, until, like the apple in Newton’s garden, it hit me. She’s not calculating her age the conventional way, she’s appealing to The Law of Plastic Surgery Averages. And suddenly, it was as clear as day. As long as people have been pumping saline into to their breasts (and everywhere else) and lopping off portions of their noses in the name of beauty, actresses, TV personalities and Botoxed men and women everywhere have been adhering to this law.

Here’s how it works:
When applying The Law of Plastic Surgery Averages, instead of considering your body as a whole in calculating your age, you break your body down into it’s respective parts and their percentage of your body composition, then you add their ages together. Now, for most people, the average age of all their parts is the same as their regular age. But if you appear on television, live in any upscale Southern California community, or consider yourself a ‘cool mom,’ well, you’re working with a different set of parts.

For example:
Let’s say Woman A’s given age is forty-five. Fifteen years ago she had a nose job and five years ago she had a breast lift. So, her core is 45-years-old and makes up roughly 85% of her body; her nose is 15-years-old and makes up roughly 1% of her body; her boobs are 5-years-old and, depending on how many CCs she opted for, can make up anywhere from 10-25% of her body. For this equation, I’ll say 14%, to make it even.

Her age, according to LPSA, is: 45(.85) + 15(.01) + 5(.14)= 40.85

Rounding down (of course), you end up with 40. Woman A would admit to being 40-years-old. And that seems appropriate, given the fairly conservative nature of her plastic surgery.

Where knowing this law really makes life interesting is in calculating the real age of an LPSA adherent. Let’s use Kim Zolciak as an example.

Kim appears to have had quite a bit of work done. Based a feature in InTouch Magazine highlighting Kim's breast lift in September 2010, Kim’s boobs are 1-year-old. I’d estimate that they make up about 17% of her body. That’s all I know for certain, but I’m going to make a few educated guesses to round out my equation: her nose, maybe 8-years-old; her chin, maybe 10-years-old; her tummy, probably around 4 years-old. Because of the work Kim’s had done, I’d say that her core is only responsible for about 68% of her body. The other parts I’ve estimated as follows: boobs: 17%; tummy: 11%; nose: 2%; chin: 2%.

Using these ages and percentages, and with a mind to solve for Kim’s real age (A), here’s the working equation:

A(.68)+1(.17)+4(.11)+8(.02)+10(.02)= 33-years-old
.68A + 0.97 = 33
.68A = 32.03
A = 47.1029

So, Kim’s real age is roughly 47. Sounds about right.

What I still have to figure out is the time lapse that occurs when the person stops going by her actual age, and starts going her Law of Plastic Surgery Averages age. Heidi Montag comes to mind. In spite of the horrifying amount of plastic surgery she’s already had, at 24 she’s still young enough to go by her actual age. However, eventually her time spent on earth will eclipse the age that she would prefer to be, at which point the Law of Plastic Surgery Averages will come into play. Exactly when and how this happens is beyond me. The fact that Heidi Montag already looks like a 45-year-old trying to look like a 25-year-old is an additional wrinkle; a metaphorical wrinkle of course. If Heidi Montag had a real wrinkle, she’d Botox the shit out of it.

We hold these truths to be self evident

“In the world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.” - Ben Franklin

Now I hesitate to correct Ben Franklin; he’s an idol of mine. But I’d use this forum to amend his statement and add a third thing that in my brief time on this earth I’ve come to know as certain:

Everyone likes someone who brings homemade cookies to a social gathering.

This is a fact. And if you encounter someone who doesn't like a person who brings homemade cookies to a social event, no one else probably likes that person. Once, I brought homemade cookies to a bar and leveraged it into at least five new friends and a few free beers from the bartender. Now, I wouldn't recommend taking cookies instead of paper currency with you for a night on the town. I’m not sure if bouncers are equipped to accommodate your desire to barter entry into exclusive clubs by paying cookies. But, if you happen to find yourself partying in a bar with a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies in your bag, share them. Trust me, they will pay dividends.

If you’re entering a crowd where you’re not sure if cookies are appropriate, well, don’t enter that crowd because they probably suck. However, if it can’t be avoided and you feel savory snack might land better than a sweet snack, then make pigs in a blanket. I have not met an adult who doesn’t love the opportunity to eat their favorite bar mitzvah food fifteen years later.

TRUST.

In closing: “In the world nothing can be said to be certain except death, taxes, and that everyone likes someone who brings homemade cookies to a social gathering.” - Me