Where is the love?

My cousin got married recently. In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I complained endlessly about being stuck at the singles table at the reception. I have yet to experience a singles table as I've mostly attended family weddings where I end up sitting with my cousins. However, with more and more family members getting married, spots at the family table are becoming scarce. At this latest wedding, I thought my fear of being edged out by wives, husbands and fiancés was about to be realized but I was spared. There were enough seats for singles and couples a like at the “kids” table.

However, I was a tiny bit disappointed at being robbed of the opportunity to meet other young, eligible singles. It is sometimes difficult to meet members of the opposite sex so I’ve been analyzing my own successes (of which there happen to be few), and the successes of others people in order to deduce new, more reliable methods of meeting people. I think I've rounded out a few proven methods:

1. Gym volleyball class. Personally, I have 100% success rate at meeting potential boyfriends in gym volleyball classes. In high school and college, I met nice, smart boys when we played on the same team in gym volleyball. Perhaps they were impressed by my overhand serve, my unnecessary competitiveness in recreational sports, or the way I looked in sweat shorts. Whatever the reason, I succeeded meeting and dating boys from gym class. The downside to gym-volleyball facilitated relationships is that they didn’t work out long term.

2. Lifetime movie on-set romance. Turning to tabloids for examples of circumstances where love blossomed between two people, an obvious conclusion was starring in a Lifetime movie. Tori Spelling met Dean McDermott on the set of the Lifetime thriller Mind over Murder. Two divorces, four years, five dogs and two kids later, they're still going strong and even have their own reality show. Similarly, LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian met on the set of the Lifetime movie Northern Lights. Initially a hidden affair, their love has bloomed into a classic story of married man meets married girl, shenanigans and divorces ensue, resulting in a long-lasting love. However, as noted, a hallmark of these Lifetime movie facilitated romances is both parties were married to other people at the time the romance started. Needing to be married first before I find my true love is more work than I'm willing to take on at the moment.

3. Go to an Ivy League university. Nothing beats the Sunday New York Times, home of the Sunday Styles and esteemed Wedding Announcements section. If there is anything I’ve learned from reading Times’ wedding announcements, its people that go to Ivy League universities get married. And the more Ivy League, or, if you must, Ivy plus universities you’ve attended, the more likely you are to meet a similarly high achiever looking to get hitched and get his name in the NY Times. Per my calculations, couples in the NY Times wedding section have on average at least 3 Ivy degrees between them. Sadly, Ivy admissions departments and rigorous academic standards stand in the way of my meeting the perfect Ivy League husband.

These are just a few good ideas. I'm sure there will be others. In the meantime, short of starring in Lifetime movie or graduating from two or more Ivy League universities, it looks like I have to brush up on my passing and find an adult volleyball league. Have your own ideas? Share them in the comments.

That's repeating, of course

Earlier I wrote about how in the last year I've levered up on my own blood. Well apparently I wasn't the only one who had a get-rich-over-56-day-periods-punctuated-by-needlesticks plan.

In June, I received an email from the New York Blood Center, alerting me to changes in the Red Cell Advantage Program. Effective June 14, 2010:
1) Points earned for most donation procedures will be reduced.
2) Minimum points required for eligibility to redeem will increase from 400 to 600 points.
3) Points required for redemption to receive gifts or gift cards will increase.

All the penny-pinching, jelly-bean-hungry people exploiting this vein for their own financial gain caused hyperinflation on the blood market or, bloodflation.

Before bloodflation a Barbie in A Mermaid Tale Merliah Doll & Necklace cost me 431 points. On the open market, this doll sells for $14.99. After bloodflation, an equivalent Barbie doll, Barbie Sparkle Lights, also valued at $14.99, costs me 491 points.

So I did a little math to figure out just how much value my blood lost as result of bloodflation.
BEFORE:

1 donation		950 points		1 Barbie		$14.99	$5.51
1 pint		6 donations		431 points		1 Barbie

AFTER :

1 donation		950 points		1 Barbie		$14.99	$4.84
1 pint		6 donations		491 points		1 Barbie

[Ed. note: Some of you may be wondering about the sig figs on these calculations but they're really back of the envelope.]

Before June, my blood was worth roughly $5.51 a pint; after June, $4.84 a pint. The value of a pint of my blood dropped 67 cents, that's a 12.15% loss. And this only accounts for the loss in purchasing power of my earned points. It doesn’t take into account the loss of earning potential resulting from the reduction in points earned per donation.

Needless to say, I wish I had pulled my blood money out of the market sooner. Granted, I fared better than people heavily invested in the stock market, who on average lost 20-30% in their investments. But those people still have real money to show for themselves, even if it’s substantially less than what they started with. I just have hypothetical dollar values that I’ve assigned to my own blood

Too many questions.

Recently I went to my doctor for a follow-up on some blood work relating to some headaches I'd had. I’m pretty sure that my headaches were caused by stress but I thought I’d get them checked out.

After shelling out my $20 co-pay, my doctor took approximately two minutes to go over my results with me. This consisted of her saying, “Everything looks great! I wish all my patients had results like these!” Then she shook her head and said, “Why are you having these headaches? Are you depressed?” I told her that I was pretty certain I wasn’t depressed and so she promptly closed up my file and told me she’d see me in September for my physical.

Needless to say the whole visit got me pretty fired up but what angered me the most was when she asked me, “Why are you having headaches? Are you depressed?”

Excuse me? I don’t know why I’m having the headaches. That’s why I’m here, asking you about my headaches, getting my blood taken to determine whether or not I have any sort of headache-causing deficiencies.

My (now former) doctor asked me an idiot question:

• Id·i·ot quest·ion /ideeәt kwéschәn/ n. a question to which the answer must necessarily begin with the statement: Idiot; usually posed by a person who should be answering the question instead of repeating it directly back to the person who asked it in the first place.

My (paltry) dating life offers another good example of an idiot question. I’ve tried my hand at a number of dating outlets, including speed dating. During one of my speed dates, the guy across from me asked me how I was still single. I assume he meant it as a compliment. He was implying that it should be impossible that a girl like me should be speed-dating in lame bar on a weeknight instead of out with her great boyfriend.

I gave him a lame reply and shoulder shrug. What I wanted to say was, “Idiot. If I knew why I was single, I wouldn’t still be single. I would have figured out my problem, fixed it, and found someone to date for more than five minutes at a time. Instead my major personality malfunction escapes me like some sort of dog whistle, audible only to decent single men in Manhattan in their mid-to-late twenties.” That fool asked me an idiot question.

Does asking an idiot question make you an idiot? Not necessarily, as I’m fairly certain that I’m guilty of asking idiot questions. However, asking idiot questions does make you a jackass in that particular situation. Have you been the victim of idiot questions? Share them in the comments.