We got snacks now!

I love a road trip. I don’t drive very often so a nice long ride is a treat. I’m content to look out the window, sing along to mixed CDs, and observe other people in their cars for hours straight. But above all, my favorite part of a road trip is consuming road trip food.

What constitutes road trip food? For me, classic road trip food has a couple essential ingredients. (It goes without saying that trans-fats, partially hydrogenated oils, and salt are absolute musts, but here I’m using ingredients metaphorically)

1. Clever packaging.
When you’re spending two or more straight hours in a car (the minimum for a drive to be considered for a road trip), space is precious. You want to conserve space for maneuvering when singing, car dancing, or mooning other travelers. Thus, the ideal snack is smartly packaged to accommodate the appropriate quantity (King Size at least), while remaining easy to seal and stash. A box is too bulky; you want something in a bag. Or better yet, a sleeve, so you can eat a portion and then roll that sleeve closed and stash it in the car door or in the armrest until you get hungry for the remaining mini-Cinnabons or Hostess donuts in five minutes.

2. Many flavors in one.
Again, it is essential to avoid cramming too much unnecessary stuff into what is likely already a cramped space. A snack product that combines several flavors, or better yet, several foodstuffs within one package is a find. Skittles (six fruits in one package!) or loaded pizza Combos are stellar choices because they offer such bang for the bag.

3. Otherwise shame inducing.
By far, the most important quality of a good road trip snack is it must be an item that would make you feel ashamed and terrible to eat in any other situation. The beauty of road trip food is that generally all the food options are terrible. In my experience, “Abandon all hope ye who enter here” could easily hang above the entrance any rest stop food court, at least from the perspective of my bowel and my cholesterol. Whole Foods doesn’t operate in Ohio rest stations, and often the only truly healthy option is a bottle of water, which is probably leaching chemicals from the plastic anyway. There are no good choices, so there’s no need to feign interest in healthy living. A road trip is the time to unapologetically indulge your love of Cheetos or S’Barros pizza. There’s no need to apologize for wanting to crumble potato chips into a bag of chocolate lover’s trail mix and wash it all down with an Orange Crush. You’re on a road trip!

And when you feel crappy, gassy, and bloated in fifteen minutes, no need to apologize for that either. No one expects to feel good while in a car all day; as a favorite mentor of mine always says, “Too much sittin’.”