For the two years that I ran winter track in high school, our coach always warned us: "Laaaaaaaadies. Watch out for black ice. It'll get ya." We'd be out running in a group through the neighborhoods and someone would go down, a victim of black ice. I had a couple run-ins with black ice myself and knew our coach was right. Black ice was, and remains, treacherous.
There are many kinds of ice that instill in me a healthy fear: falling ice, cheesy ice breakers, Smirnoff ice, but I thought that black ice was the most fearsome of all. That was until recently, when walking home from work, I almost stumbled upon the most repugnant form of ice I've ever encountered and realized the unique possibility of an entirely new, entirely dreadful type of ice.
What's worse than black ice? Brown ice. What is brown ice? Definition time:
brown ice /braʊn aɪs/ n: frozen dog diahhrea
The poop I encountered looked like the pooch had a bad run-in with a Recker's Buffalo Chicken pizza and if you don't get that reference, consider yourself lucky. I haven't encountered any other patches of brown ice but the mere knowledge of its existence has me scared. I know how terrible it feels to step in dog poop while walking around the city. I also know how terrible it feels to slip and fall on black ice. I shudder to think of the pain and humiliation that would accompany slipping and falling on a patch of icy dog shit.
So, dear readers, beware of the dog on your block with digestive issues. I don't want that bitch, in all senses of the word, to have you slipping on brown ice this winter.
You're welcome.
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